What? Are you shocked?

So if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you already know that I’m a creep magnet.  Well never fear my awesome magnetism is hardly letting up.  It’s getting beyond old for me, but hey it makes for great entertainment for you. 

Recently, I got an email from a single father of two young boys who had been divorced for three years.  He seemed to have his head on straight.  He had interests that he talked about on his profile.  His photos showed him as a tall, attractive man.  He was even witty with his initial email.  His subject read: ‘Not a creep…last time I checked “  I thought, “Hmmm this guy might actually have potential.” 

He mentioned in his email that he was going to be logging off and putting his kids to bed.  Then he planned to catch up on some shows he had tivo’d.  He gave me his phone number and suggested that I text him.  I figured there was no harm in that so we went back and forth with small talk.  He told me what shows he’d be watching. 

I decided a direct approach was the way to go so I asked him what it was he was looking for.  He responded that he wanted to be friends and see where things would go.  I thought hmm this seems to good to be true. 

Then before I knew it, he was telling me that he was “well hung”.  I responded with “IDK what to do with that info.”  What?  What happened to “I wanna be friends and build a real foundation” and so on.  To think I was actually buying into his bullshit. 

He responded that he “was sorry just feeling horny.”  Um, what happened to you’re not looking for a booty call? Throughout the text messages, he had sent a couple of pictures.  There was one of him in his vehicle and another one of him hanging out at home.  Then, he sent another photo. This photo, however, was not of his face.  He had pulled his pants down and held his unit with his left hand and apparently took a picture with his right hand.  I mean there he was in all his glory. The best part?  His message read “Handl this? Haha. im way dork.”  Uh, yah, you think?  What in the world would make a man think I would want to see that before he even knows my last name? 

I didn’t respond to his next text message.  He continued to text me for the next two days.  I continued to ignore those texts.  Finally I decided he wasn’t going to stop unless I told him.  “Please stop contacting me. Was hoping you weren’t a creep but turns out you are”  Apparently that did the trick cause I haven’t heard from him since. 

This isn’t the first time this has happened to me.  In fact, it happened just two weeks earlier from a different guy.  I don’t get it.  I am actually scared to open up photos on my phone.  What is wrong with people? 

There is a time and a place for this kind of behavior.  It could be hot between a committed couple who trust each other and want to spice things up a bit.  But seriously, it is so not necessary at this stage.  Look at the creeps who are attracted to me though.  I figure I shouldn’t be shocked by anything at this point.

It’s A Heartache, Nothin’ But A Heartache

The other night, I was thinking about how things had played out with Marcus. Typically, I was over analyzing everything.  Neither of us had been in a serious relationship in a while, so maybe it was best that we were taking things slowly as far as getting serious.

I had decided I wasn’t going to wait on him to decide what he wanted.  An old friend had sent me a text wanting to know if I wanted to hook up.  At one time, I would have been up for it.  I guess that was my first sign that I was way more into Marcus than I wanted to admit to myself.  So I got on the dating site where I had met him and searched his old screen name.  He had deleted that one but replaced it with a similar name.  In his ad, he claimed he was “ready to get serious and wanted to find ‘the one’”. 

I immediately felt like I was going to vomit.  Why had he told me, on two separate occasions, that he wanted to get serious with me.  I started to think it was my fault because I didn’t bring it up again.  Then I realized if he was as serious as he claimed to be, he would have brought it up again.  I felt devastated and confused.  I was sad because he obviously didn’t feel there was enough between us, because he was still searching.  I was confused because he had said he was interested in me.  WTF? 

I didn’t want to be the girl who was pushing him into a relationship.  Perhaps I was too passive?  I guess if he really wanted to be with me, he wouldn’t have allowed me to be so passive. 

I emailed him something like this:  Wow, Really?  I thought there was something between us.  I guess I was wrong.  I’m confused as to why you would say you wanted to get serious with me.  Oh well, guess it makes no matter now…

I was able to tell that he read the email.  He didn’t delete it.  He didn’t respond either. 

 

 

“It’s a heartache.  Nothin’ but a heartache.  Hit’s you when it’s too late.  Hits you when you’re down.  It’s a fool’s game.  Nothin’ but a fool’s game.  Standin’ in the cold rain. Feelin’ like a clown.”  (Sad song, but sung well by Bonnie Tyler.)

Still Doin’ Fine?

It occurred to me recently that I hadn’t updated my blog in nearly a month.  I hate to let down the 3 people who actually read this…so let’s update the last month. 

I agreed to meet Jay for a beer on a warm Thursday night a few weeks ago.  His conversation wasn’t especially enthralling and I found myself wondering how long I would have to sit there before I could make my exit.  I decided to wait it out just a bit.  I feel like I have this way of cutting off perfectly nice guys because of one reason or another.  Besides, the beer was cold and good! 

He suggested we play a game of pool.  I totally understand the geometry of pool.  Years ago my then-boyfriend had a Sega Genesis (yes, that’s how long ago it was!) and he had a pool game.  I totally kicked that game’s ass.  But put me in a bar with a real table and real balls and cues and be prepared to either laugh your ass off, or be completely annoyed by how long a game will last.  True to form, I was not good.  Not good at all.  After losing three games, we headed out to the patio for another beer.  It was a cool evening with a slight reminder that fall was well on its way. 

I could tell that Jay was very into me by the way he obviously undressed me with his eyes.  I allowed him to kiss me and was immediately sorry.  I felt like I needed a napkin or a wash cloth to wipe my face.  What’s with all the slobbering!?  Isn’t there some kind of seminar that men can attend to learn how to kiss?  Is kissing that difficult? 

I thanked Jay for a nice evening and headed home.  He called and texted me on a regular basis.  Many, I just ignored.  Finally I sent him a text saying that I  had started dating someone else.  He replied that he understood and asked me to please look him up if I ever become single again.  Really? 

The following week, I had dinner with Mike.  A truly nice guy.  Mike showed up at the restaurant wearing a dark shirt, khakis and white sneakers.  Really!?!?  Ok, so he’s a divorcee and doesn’t have a woman to dress him.  I’m not sure what would make anyone think white sneakers were really appropriate though.  You are now getting a glimpse of just why I am still single at 35.  Too picky?  Perhaps.

Conversation was good.  As I said, Mike is a really nice guy and I enjoyed hanging out with him.  I just didn’t feel any chemistry.  He also kissed me.  However his kisses were stiff.  Why can’t there be something in between? I feel like goldilocks…looking for someone who can kiss just right!

Oh and I found him.  His kisses make my toes curl, my heart race and my stomach flip.  The problem?  I just don’t think he’s that into me.  I met Marcus nearly six months ago.  He calls me very randomly…sometimes months go by, other times, weeks.  I hung out with him several weeks ago at his house.  He was talking about some song that I had never heard of that apparently is just like his life…”except for the wife and kids part”.  I told him that’s because “you don’t want a woman.”  He talked about how that was true, but now he thinks he wants a relationship. In fact he said he wanted a relationship with me.  The topic changed while discussing some things that came up in previous relationships and we didn’t further discuss a relationship.  I wasn’t sure that he really wanted one or just thought that’s what I wanted to hear.  Therefore, I didn’t pursue the conversation.  I’m not about to force or push someone into that. 

Friday morning, I was thinking about the last couple of guys I had went out with and how one acted as though he were kissing a board and the other thought he was kissing a sponge.  I decided to text Marcus to see if he’d be interested in a make-out session.  Ha!  Just like a teenager, I just wanted to kiss someone I knew was capable of good kissing. 

We exchanged a few texts and he invited me to hang out with him.  In fact, he wanted me to spend the weekend or at least the night with him.  Having nothing planned for the weekend, I agreed.  Throughout the rest of the afternoon and evening, he called and texted me several times.  I had to work my part-time job that evening so the plan was to meet after work.  While he was on his way home from work and I was on my way to the part-time job, he called me.  During this conversation he mentioned that we should “try this together thing” or something to that effect.  I asked him if he was fucking with me.  Seriously?  This is the second time he’s brought it up in a month now.  I wondered why he would allow weeks to go by without contacting me.  I wondered if he thought this was something I wanted or if he really wanted it too.  Not having a lot of time before work, I replied that we would have to discuss it. We hung up shortly after that.  He continued to text me throughout the evening.

Yet, he didn’t bring up the relationship thing again.  I chickened out and didn’t bring it up either.  A week later, I haven’t heard from him.  Married?  I’ve been to his house.  I saw no evidence of another woman there.  Already seeing someone else?  Perhaps.  But when we do hang out, it’s in his house or neighborhood so it’s not like he’s trying to be secretive about seeing me.  So I guess the only conclusion I can come to is that he’s just not that into me.

The Wet Noodle

What is it about another person that makes your stomach flip, your heart pound and your pulse quicken?  What attributes would he have?  What makes you excited to see him? 

I recently became briefly acquainted with a guy who apparently wanted to skip the “get-to-know-you” stage where you get to feel butterflies and jump right into the “shove-my-tongue-down-your-throat” stage.  Imagine my horror when he shoved his tongue in my mouth and just let it lay there like a wet noodle.  I was absolutely disgusted.  I wasn’t sure if it the fact that he thought it was ok to kiss me so soon into our meeting or if it was the fact that he was such a horrible kisser. 

I also began to wonder what makes your toes curl when one person kisses you yet want to barf when another does.  Is kissing that difficult?  Why wasn’t this taught somewhere along the way?  And is there an ettiquette about telling someone their skills are way under par?   Certainly explaining “oh my god!  get your wet-noodle tongue out of my mouth!” might be a bit over the top.  Though I suppose it would get the point across.   I am not out to hurt feelings, but seriously, that was so disgusting.

Perhaps this particular guy was looking to be in a relationship.  That’s fine.  But as with all relationships, they must build.   Though maybe there is something to be said for learning early on that the kissing is horrible.  Maybe it makes me a horrible person, but at least I know I don’t want to waste time pursuing this.

Build-A-Mate

Ever been to the mall and seen those stores for build-a-bear?  They seem to be very popular.  And why wouldn’t they be?  You get to choose the color of your bear, the size, the accessories.   After such careful planning, how could it not be your favorite toy?

After another unsucessful date and feeling let down, yet again, I decided that there should be some sort of Build-A-Mate store.  If this were a possibility, I’m positive it would be a smashing success. 

You could go down the the first aisle and pick out his appearance, because let’s face it, we all need to be attracted to our mate. Shelves would be lined up with hair, eyes, lips, arms, abs, butts and legs. Each aisle would contain important attributes.  You could pick his sense of humor, intelligence and skill level.  Some women prefer a white collar kind of man while others might prefer the grease monkey. Maybe you would like a man who cooks and cleans and can’t wait to have children.  Maybe traveling abroad to you sounds more appealing.  You could pick out his taste in clothing, music and movies. Various hobbies could be suggested for him to have as well. 

Every good movie or book has some drama to it or some kind of twist. While I do like this fantasy thus far, I realize it would get boring if a man were everything we desired.  Perhaps it would need to be set up so that you would list all the things you want your man to have and you would have to settle for getting most of what you want.  So maybe he doesn’t take out the trash or clean the bathrooms, but you did get your order in for a massage or a homecooked meal. 

Somehow we would have to be assured that this man that was put together just for you would appreciate you as well.  But just as the build-a-bear gets a perfect home, so would this man.  Well maybe not perfect, but just right for him.  And thus, just right for you.  Afterall, isn’t that what we’d all like to have?

I See Dead People

As I spend time pondering what I could be passionate about, I find that I am able to add another potential career choice to the “NOT ME” list. 

This evening, on my way home from work, on a whim, I decided to get my brows waxed.  While there, I decided I needed a pedicure as well.  Of course I was talked into a manicure as well.  It was hard to say no to the Asian girl who hardly spoke English.  Besides, she gave me a paraffin wax on my hands and feet for free!  Can’t really beat that, can you?  I guess that made up for that fact that I thought she would make my big toe bleed while working the cuticle around it.  I didn’t think my feet were *that* bad. 

While getting my manicure, I sat next to a young woman who was also getting a manicure.  The woman giving her  a manicure was difficult to understand as well, though I found it easier to understand her girl than my girl.  You wouldn’t believe how long it took me to figure out what she was saying.  She kept saying Nail Envy was better than “backhoe” or something? I finally figured out she was saying “base coat”.  

The young, blonde woman next to me had a tattoo of a heart on the inside of her wrist.  But it wasn’t the typical heart shape that you would find around Valentine’s Day.  This was what the actual human organ looks like.  It was kind of neat, but I had to inquire what would make someone get a human organ tattooed on the outside of their body? 

She wasn’t a nurse but thought she could be.  She was taking classes at DMACC, the local Community College.  However, the program she hopes to start, after her baby is born, is Mortuary Science.  Apparently this is a program that a pregnant woman cannot be a part of.  I suppose it makes sense.  It would seem that embalming fluids would definitely be potentially harmful to a fetus. 

This young woman was so excited to start her studies. I think she was more interested in the cremation process.    Well it’s a job that someone definitely has to do.  Though working with dead corpses is definitely not on my to-do list, I’m thankful for people like “Rachel” who can find passion in doing so.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

Years ago, C&C Music Factory had a hit song called “Things That Make You Go Hmmm”.   It was one of those annoying, yet catchy tunes.  But anyone who knows me, knows that I can come up with a song or lyrics to just about anything in life. 

The latest thing that makes me go “hmmm?” is a guy named Dale.  We had talked for awhile.  I told him that I didn’t think it would work out.  He had so much going on in his life and I just didn’t feel like he was really trying to know me.  After discussing the situation with a friend, and she pointed out that I had been on like “64 dates”, perhaps it was time to give this guy another chance.  Afterall, he was really being persistent about pursuing me.  I gave it some thought and decided she was right.  I told Dale that I would allow him to take me to dinner. 

We went to dinner Wednesday evening and I was impressed with how he really tried to make an effort at discussing things I had mentioned had bothered me before.  He was really trying.  Perhaps it was a good thing that I decided to give him another chance.  I even decided to invite him to a cook-out my friend was hosting for Independence Day.  Food, friends, fireworks…they all lead to fun! 

He said he’d like to go, but he’d have to see what was going on with his family.  “Can I get back to you?”

“Oh, yah sure. That’s fine.” I replied.

The next day he sent me a text message that he had a nice time and that I looked “radiant” last night.  Wow!  Nice compliment.  We chatted via text message for a bit Thursday evening. 

Friday I was off from work in observance of Independence Day.  I went to a matinee and then rented some movies with my neighbor.  I had yet to hear from Dale. 

I got up Saturday morning and made potato salad to take to the cookout.  As the day went on, it became clear I wasn’t going to hear from Dale.  I guess I could take that as a “no” to going with me.  Two days later, I still haven’t heard from him.  Perhaps I should have gone with my first instincts and just let lying dogs lie.  Or lay?  Anyway, I’m not sure why he was so persistent only to blow me off.  I suppose it doesn’t really matter.  Though it definitely makes me go “hmmm?”.

Pull The Stick Out

Have you ever noticed how miserable people aren’t happy unless you are miserable too?  I can only assume these people are miserable because of the misery they bring on to others.

For instance, I am an owner of a townhouse.  Recently, the Board of Directors of the Association has taken it upon themselves to pass ridiculous rules that they think will benefit the entire community.  They claim these changes will improve the community and help to retain the value of our investment as homeowners.  Instead, it is my belief, that they will in fact drive away prospective buyers and make it impossible for us to ever sell our homes and thus drive the value down. 

The biggest concern that I have at this point is their restrictions on parking.  There are five parking areas within the complex that will provide space for three cars to park in each area.  The Board claims that these areas are designated as “Guest Parking”.  In fact they claim it says so in the By-Laws.  After reading the By-Laws, I found that this is in fact, not true.  I was told that it was in the Declarations.  The Declarations in fact says that it is “General Common Area” and that it is for the “use and enjoyment” of the homeowners. 

The Board says that it is to be used as Guest Parking with a two-hour limit unless prior approval has been given by a member of the Board.  I feel that we are all adults and this is an invasion of privacy.  My driveway will hold two cars.  Should I decide to invite friends over, they either need to come in two vehicles, or I need permission.  Are you kidding me?  How will this improve and retain the value of my home?

While I can see the need to make sure the parking is used by homeowners or their guests, these limitations are ridiculous.  I agree that neighboring communities should not be allowed to park in these areas, but is this the way to go about it?

The claim was that we need to know who is parking in our neighborhood because there was vandalism a few years ago.  It has just been within the last months that the Board has made an issue of the parking situation.  They also claimed that we need to keep our streets free so that if emergency vehicles need to access the area, they will be able to do so.  I’m thinking if my home is on fire, or if my neighbor suffers a medical emergency, fire and rescue will get where they need to be. 

The parking areas remain empty.  What is the point of having it?  Why not just rip up the concrete and lay sod instead?  Some neighbors have actually been “ticketed” for “abusing” the parking.  Apparently pulling your vehicle into an empty slot is abuse if you leave your car there longer than the allotted two hour time frame.  In a world where people are dealing with illness, war, bankruptcy, death and other real issues, why are we making an issue of this?  Why are we creating problems where there need not be any?

I wonder if there is some sort of occupation for me where I can pull these figurative sticks out of the asses of people who quite obviously need a hobby.  Pick up a book, rent a movie, or go for a walk.  But seriously? They are so bored or miserable with their own lives that they feel the need to complain about a man parking his pick-up truck in the same spot day after day?  It’s not a rusted out vehicle.  It’s not on blocks.  I really cannot fathom what the problem is, other than there is no problem so they just feel the need to create drama.  I say turn on Young and Restless and keep it out of our neighborhood.

You’re Single!

Currently, I work as administrative assistant/marketing assistant for a small company.  Recently, it came to my attention that a branch office approximately two hours away may be added.  If that is the case, the people would have to be trained on paperwork and other office procedures.  Nothing has been decided as of yet, so it’s very possible this could be a non-issue. 

While discussing it during a staff meeting, I asked the owner of our company if anything had been decided regarding this branch office.  He said at this point, he hadn’t made a decision and he wasn’t sure it could be profitable.  However, he hadn’t ruled it out yet.  He continued by saying that should we decide to go ahead and adopt this branch office, I would be the one going there for training purposes.  The reason:  “You’re single.”

I was livid.  “You showed initiative by getting your license.  You are an excellent employee and know your job well.  You are qualified.  You are loyal, reliable, and responsible.”  These are the types of statements that would have been acceptable.  “You’re single” is discrimination and there is no way around it. 

In addition, he said, “You’ll need to get an apartment.  You’ll probably only be there like 20-22 days of the month.” Uh, that’s pretty much Monday through Friday every week for the month. 

It’s not that I wouldn’t mind traveling for business.  In fact, I wouldn’t mind.  However, it needn’t be simply because I’m unattached.  I still have responsibilities.  Probably more so, since I don’t have someone to share household chores and expenses. 

Furthermore, I was angered because it wasn’t like he said, “We’ll set you up in a long-stay hotel or apartment.” Instead he said “You’ll need to get an apartment.”  Does this mean he doesn’t think the company needs to foot the bill?  Does he even care how he comes across or that he is outright insulting?

As if single people aren’t discriminated enough in society.  Ever look for a gym membership?  Join alone and you’ll pay approximately $50 per month.  Join with a spouse or someone in your household?  Expect to pay about $70 for both people. 

Being single isn’t a disease or something to be pitied.  I certainly could be married if I wanted to be.  I, however, have decided not to settle for just anyone.  I don’t feel as though I’ve met the guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with and I refuse to settle.  Some people are lucky enough to find the love of their life early in life.  I am not one of those people but I will not apologize for it.  I’m completely comfortable with my situation.  Why should I be singled out because of my choices? 

Perhaps it would be easiest for me to pick up and leave for a month.  However, my relationship status should not affect my job.  The fact that my employer would bring this up is despicable.  That being said, should the decision be made that this office will be added, I will be more than willing to travel and train others as long as I’m properly compensated. I can be patient  and I’m  intelligent.  I think I would make an excellent trainer.   I can definitely work this to my advantage as I will be able to add more responsibilities to my resume.   Who knows?  Perhaps such an adventure would help me to find my passion.

What An Odd Dream…

I just had the weirdest dream….it was my life with my friends…but it was also intertwined with Sex and the City.  I was marrying my friend Stacy’s gay friend Bret.  I’m not really sure why….apparently no one else would marry me and I really needed to get married?  I just wasn’t sure what the urgency was.  

So the day was planned and the guests were arriving but I was very slow about getting ready and there was a question about what time it was actually to take place.   So I’m up in my room getting ready, which actually had some of my bedroom furniture in it.  But downstairs was some hotel or whatever venue I was to be married in. 

As I’m getting ready or on my way to the venue, Dale sent me a text message but it wasn’t words.  Instead it was a video of him playing some weird foursome of something?  Like volleyball or something, but it was in a bar and he was apparently on a double date.  It was like in this movie of my life I was supposed to be jealous or something, but instead it was like well ok, good, he’s finally moved on. 

Mr Big shows up (I’m quite sure it was in fact Chris Noth in my dream!) and I hide him in my room and we talk about marriage.  At this point I’m having second thoughts because I’m not in fact marrying for love, but apparently convenience or money.  And I also realize I’m not marrying Bret, but instead this really loud, obnoxious older african American guy who I think is in fact already married. 

At this point in my dream I woke up.  Apparently I’m am supposed to write my own ending…?