I can’t really remember the last time I cried…until 2009 that is. It all started on New Year’s Day when I went to see Marley and Me with a couple of friends. The movie was very entertaining, but there was definitely some sadness to it. I cried like a baby.
Today, I found myself teary eyed more than once. I felt myself get close on Sunday…just two days ago. But I “held it together.” Perhaps I’ve been “holding it together” for too long and it just needed to come out.
My co-worker and I worked feverishly last Friday to get a mailing out. We were inviting the entire clientele to an appreciation dinner. Today, I get to work to find that my boss (you’ll remember him as the one who was gone the last two weeks of December) was not pleased with the invitation because it wasn’t done as they were done before. People would confuse it with just another meeting and not the appreciation dinner. He wanted a new invitation to go out. TODAY. So guess what I worked on pretty much all day. It seems like such a ridiculous thing to cry over. But combine that with confrontations I had this past weekend with my counter manager at my part time job, being frustrated and tired of pretty much both jobs, spending my free time cleaning, and other petty things that don’t really matter, I just couldn’t stand it another minute. I sat at my desk and tears welled up. I tried to hold them back. But then figured, hey, I’m in my office and no one is around….so I let a few fall.
Then I had an ”ugh, I’ve just been crying” feeling for the rest of the morning. My throat was dry, my mascara was smudged and my nose was red. I felt tired and I really wanted to crawl in a hole. In my bed, under the covers would have sufficed. Instead, I pulled a tissue out of the box sitting next to my phone and dabbed at my eyes and blew my nose. I decided I just had to get this stupid mailing done and that’s what I spent my day doing. I tried to keep to myself so I wouldn’t offend anyone or say something that I felt that definitely needed to be filtered.
After a long day at the office, I wanted so badly to just go home, put on my pjs and crawl into bed. Yes, at 6:00 pm. Got a problem with that? Instead, I met some friends for bible study. We met at a local sandwich shop. We each ordered a sandwich and/or soup and ate while we visited.
As typical, we tend to get off topic a bit. It was towards the end of the evening though, and we were winding down. There were six of us. All single and childless. We are a really fun group. But after a day of frustrations, one topic was more than I could bare. Each of these other ladies talked about their fathers and how they still take care of them in various ways. Mostly helping with car repairs or other fatherly advice. I listened patiently…for awhile. Then I guess the devil just reached inside me. I wanted to get up and flee so badly. How very selfish of me, but I didn’t want to hear about how some women (probably most women) still depend so much on Daddy.
I hear people talk about their parents all the time and typically it doesn’t bother me. But for some reason, tonight, it did. I wanted to hear nothing about it. I was trying to concentrate on the story this lady was telling about her own father…who I gathered had recently passed…or within the last five or ten years. But that started to bother me, so I would drift on into my own world. I was thinking, no this is so not appropriate. You aren’t going to do this here. My facial expression must have been a clue though. My friend, sitting on the left of me, reached over and touched my leg. At that point, it seemed that whatever I was feeling was now “real” because someone else had noticed it. The tears really welled up at this point. I didn’t want to be sitting in the middle of this restaurant while a woman is telling a story about her dad and start crying! What is wrong with me?! Good grief, these people are going to think I’m crazy! Stop that right now!
But have you ever tried to make yourself stop crying!? It seems to make the tears flow faster, if that’s possible. I could feel streams going down my cheek. I tried to discreetly wipe them away, but how discreet can you be when you are the only one crying for seemingly no reason?
So there I am, having my own little pity party in the middle of this group. All because my dad never helped me buy a car or told me when to get my oil changed or tires rotated. My dad never gave me advice on how often to have your furnace maintained. (Does anyone know? I would really like to know…and if so, know anyone who’s trustworthy?) My dad never scrutinized my dates. He will never walk me down an aisle.
I suppose as someone who has taken care of herself for 16 years, I just became tired. I typically don’t mind working two jobs. I don’t love it but it keeps me out of trouble. It allows me to support myself and I value my independence. But after a frustrating week of work and knowing I don’t have anyone to help me, should the need arise, I selfishly lost it.
I’m hoping that with tomorrow being a new day, things will look up. I take a deep breath and am glad this day is behind me. Tomorrow is new and fresh. Here’s hoping the river will dry up.
